I know a lot of people are not fond of the idea of New Years Resolutions and to be completely honest with you I can see why. Instagram posts about the topic tend to involve a bit of a run down of the year that has just come to an end. Achievements are listed and big plans made for the following year. Reading about someone else’s high points and goals can have a negative affect on a person in the sense that it’s really difficult to look at it objectively without thinking about that person’s life in comparison to their own. It’s human nature and most of us cannot help but do that on some level. In the same way I can really see why people see resolutions as a burden of pressure. For a lot of people simply getting through daily life is quite a struggle so making grand plans and promises is overwhelming.
I think I kind of fall in to the middle camp on this one. All last week I had said I wouldn’t be making resolutions and that I wouldn’t be posting about it online but here I am doing that very thing (having already touched on it a couple of days ago on Instagram). For me it was about avoiding giant goals and plans that were setting me up for a fall because from the get-go they were just a little bit out of touch with reality. My reality that is.
I found myself doing a lot of soul searching this passed few weeks though. Christmas is such a wonderful time of year but it also comes with a lot of stress for people. Bandages fall off old wounds and insecurities and anxieties can be triggered in a major way. It is a great big cauldron of emotion for most of us and it kind of forces you to think. I found myself thinking a lot about the way I spend my time and the things I deem to be important. I found myself considering how I could work better and smarter to maximise the quality of my work and increase the amount of time I can really enjoy myself with my friends and family. I found myself questioning the fact that even though I know most of my greatest anxieties are based on things that never happen, they still consume me. I did a lot of thinking and actually a lot of talking and it’s lead me to want to think about the year ahead and how I might do things differently.
One thing that this Christmas has taught me is how transient time is. In the blink of an eye a person, job or home can be taken away from you. A simple decision or mistake can change the course of your life in an instant. My mother always says it but I think it’s finally starting to click for me…
We Only Have Today
If today was your last day on earth (and you didn’t know it) would the day have been just as you wanted it to be? And I’m not talking about going to work or packing the dishwasher because none of us love doing those things. But would your focus and your intention have been on the right things? on the right people? Would you have spent a great deal of the day somewhere between the past and the future but not quite in the present? That’s me for sure. I’m here in body but most of the time I am somewhere else. I’m looking back on something that happened wishing and wondering or I’m thinking ahead to a future time. Sometimes it’s based on happy thoughts and fondness but more often than not it’s steeped in some kind of worry or anxiety and what a bloody waste of life that is, but it’s the reality.
At twenty weeks pregnant I have never been more aware of the quick passing of time. I remember at twenty weeks my pregnancy on Billy had felt so long. I had relished every moment of it, thought about the baby constantly and embraced every little thing about it. It totally defined me and I just LOVED being pregnant. This pregnancy is so different. I still love being pregnant but I am so consumed by life outside of the pregnancy that it really is an after thought a lot of the time. With just twenty (or maybe less?) weeks to go I find myself desperately wanting to enjoy the rest of this pregnancy. To really put a spotlight on how amazing this journey can be. When the baby arrives I plan to soak up every little bit of them. I won’t be rushing out the door or letting everyone visit. I’ll be having that forth trimester and enjoying every moment of those magical newborn weeks. But really, it should start now. I’m growing a baby and sometimes, almost all of the time, I don’t think about it as much as I should. So let’s start here.
- Being Mammy
It’s no secret but being Mammy means everything to me. I literally can’t even put it in to words. It defines me and I’ve never been more delighted to be defined by something. Being a mother means everything to me. I want to bring things back to basics in 2019 and get out in the fresh air more. My son thrives on it and it’s just something that we’ve kind of slacked on a bit. In 2019 I want more outdoor time with my boy. I know it’ll serve me well in pregnancy too both in mind and body.
Then comes the pregnancy – I want to enjoy the rest of this amazing journey. I want to take more time to just sit and think about how amazingly lucky I am to be growing life inside me. I am truly blessed to be pregnant and as the twenty week scan approaches I find myself thinking about the baby’s health and well-being in a really tangible way. I need to stop looking at it as a pregnancy and start thinking about this as a baby. As a person. My person. I want to begin the care-giving journey now and by focusing more on my own health and well-being I will in turn look after this baby even better. I want to practice mindfulness, read more and feed my body the fresh air and healthy food it needs. I’m determined to do this.
2. Being Present
I say it every year but I want to read more and scroll less. I am certifiably addicted to my phone, I know I am. It’s a big part of what I do but it’s also just a big thing that I’m addicted to and obsessed with. I want to spend less time in the virtual world and more time in the physical and spiritual world. I NEED to read more, have more time outdoors and designate less time to mindlessly scrolling through social media. I want to be selective about what I share too because sometimes it can be a little bit scary to imagine so many eyes on your thoughts and words. When opportunity knocks I’m going answer but I’m going to make sure that I’m embracing just as many opportunities to just…. be.
3. Being Kinder To Myself
I have a habit of being a bit of a people pleaser. I absolutely hate to let people down and I’ve always been a bit of a fixer. A lot of the time I can’t help but put other people’s happiness before my own. It’s a catch 22 because seeing the people I care about feeling happy makes me feel happy. But often the journey to getting that person there is draining for me, often inconvenient and can mean that I’m sacrificing time or resources that sometimes should be directed elsewhere. For example, I might be focusing so much on one person that I neglect other important relationships in my life. In the same way I can find myself focusing so much on other people’s unhappiness that I fail to notice where my own emotions are at. I might be crippled with anxiety but I see helping someone else as a way of relieving it because knowing that someone else is suffering only adds to my anxiety. More often than not I end up sinking deeper and I’m worse off. I need to learn to say no but I also need to be comfortable with not always being the person who has to fix everyone else. If I am doing good then those around me will get the best of me too.
And that’s really it for now. All of these intentions have so many different avenues and I feel the need to throw in a line about continuing my healthy eating journey but that’s a given these days. It is simply a part of me now. There will be weight to lose after this pregnancy and there will be weight lost. I’m not going to worry about it too much and instead I’m going to focus on balance and being good to my body. It’s served me well so far. I’m also going to eat loads of chocolate and sometimes have buttery cinema popcorn – sure amn’t I only human?
So I’ll leave you for now. 2018 you were a big fat ride with lots of ups and downs but thank you for bringing me to today. We bought a house, made a baby and continued to love the actual life out of our beautiful little boy. There were loads of tough times, struggles and arguments but that is what feeds the passion to change, to grow and to be bloody real.
Thanks for reading and as always thank you for following our journey!